The End Times are Here

My return to xanga comes at what surely must be the beginning of the end times.  I don't say that because of some Gary DeMar or Harold Camping radio piece.  I have hard data.  And it is...

I went to Giant in Hilltown - and there were no long lines.  There were, in fact, five lanes open, along with the "speedy" self check lanes (one of which I happen to know was smashed recently by a customer tired of hearing the warning beep.  I mean smashed, bang, crack.  Big bucks.  Anyway...) And out of the five lanes, 3 were completely open. I had no wait.  I had a bagger.  They all were friendly.  I could park near the front because... there were empty spaces there. 

And this was not my usual shopping time of 3am.  We're talking 6:30pm. Prime Giant Time.

This, folks, is a trap of the devil to try to deceive me into believing that the end is not near.  But now I know that it is.

There is one glimmer of hope.  Oprah. 

She's secretly crossed over to the Republican side of the ticket by endorsing Obama, who, if nominated, will surely lose to my favorite candidate - Fred Thompson. 

And if I see Hillary at our Giant, I'm packing my bags for the good ole Gospel Ship.

Introducing... the Envirolet

The whole Swedish 'sit down while you pee' thing got me googling.  It's no surprise, based on somewhat recent history and trends, that the word 'toilet' comes from the French word "toilette" meaning towel or cloth.  Well, suffice it to say that my googling led me to what I believe could be the signature element of our new church building at 275 W Cherry Lane - The Envirolet.

I'm not making this stuff up.  You, too, can save thousands of gallons of water, pay no sewer or septic bills, and only have to empty your toilet once a year with the Envirolet. 

You say yuck... I saw wow.  At a value price of about $1000 per toilet, uh, I mean Envirolet,  we could afford to outfit each restroom in the new church building with four or five, use no water, and have fertile flowerbeds.  I'm also thinking that this could indeed be the supremo Christmas gift for someone special.

This is only part of the process given to us in the book The Humanure Handbook, which is indeed the premier text for going au natural.

I have to say that the envirolet does seem to exceed the two prime competitors.  There's the Propane Toilet, which actually sets your poop on fire (that's not exactly going to smell like the barbeque to your neighbors).  Or we can always turn to the people who gave us Ginseng - the Chinese.  They use the Asian method, which involves throwing it out in a field, or perhaps feeding it to the pigs.  Just look here so you can see I'm not making this up either.

So, if I have to sit down, I want to sit down on this.

[ note, side effects can include windburn, as the Envirolet does use draft technology to dry things out.  "That's a windy toilet" said one user.

I'm feeling very....uh.... dirty right now.  Before I realized it, I was pumping Hess gas.  Ughhhh.  Hugo Chavez's socialist gas powering my American made SUV.  I might as well have pee-ed in the gas tank.  Well not really.

Out of a zillion things going on, my favorite has has to be... women activists in Sweden are working to ban urinals and require all men to sit while relieving themselves.  Besides the 'spash factor', they site the act of standing up as a "nasty macho gesture" and therefore degrading to women. I cannot believe that some woman in Sweden is able to read my mind when I pee!  That's what I've been thinking for years.  Swordsmen unite!  [sorry]

[aside: today when I had to take Tirzah into a unisex public bathroom, she pointed at the urinal and said "that's really really nicey.  I go there."  My reply: "Oh no, it's broken. See...there's no seat."  Her reply: "Ooooo... broken.  Then you go there." Smart.]

So what? These Scandinavian nutballs are part of the Swedish Feminist movement, which has branched off from the Swedish Communist party.  Approx 38000 people voted for Swedish Feminist party candidates in September '06, ranking them in the top ten in a complicated parliamentary system.  Folks, feminism isn't isolated in a Swedish greenhouse.  It's a worldwide movement much like orthodox Christianity, in that most people within feminism would agree with the big principles.  And who are two self-identified feminists? (I'm not just making it up)  Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton. 

I'm not concerned with my urinary rights as much as I am newly made aware that this is how hard core feminists view the universe.  They don't see a war on terror and right vs. wrong.  They can't. Instead, they see nasty men in US uniforms fighting against the poor and the impoverished.  And I'm a little concerned that we keep electing more of them to office, yet are suprised to hear that they are, well, wacko. 

I think what really irks me is that these are the same kind of people who tell me to drink a gallon of water a day, and now I can't even get rid of it my own way.  I just can't stand it ;)

Voting Democrat? Just vote Chinese and Terrorist instead.

A great Bush press conference this morning.  Mr. Smug-reporter-himself pipes up with a rude and pompous question, and Bush replies, "Now, you've been here for 5 1/2 years.  You should know better than to ask me a question like that.  Next question." 

While the media is fawning over the possibility of Nancy Pelosi (the socialist-leaning democrat from SanFrancisco - why would we ever want someone from SanFran representing the values and morals of America???) becoming the Speaker of the House, I'll give you two reasons to vote for your local republican candidate.  And these are aside from the fact that he or she most likely has done a pretty good job in Washington so far (for example, Rick Santorum and Charlie Dent).  Perhaps not perfect, but their opponents are running against them solely on the "don't vote for friends of Bush" platform.  That's like giving a random stranger at the Wawa the key to your house because your don't think you like your current maid's boss.  See the stupidity?

Anyway - Reason #1.  Even the Chinese are building a fence.  They just built a fence across the entire N. Korean border.  Who doesn't want to build a border fence?  The democrats.  You laugh?  These people are even further removed from reality than COMMUNISTS!  And even Nancy Pelosi recently spoke at a conference denouncing comunism as the "worst and most inhumane system of government."  So if you wouldn't vote Chinese in the upcoming elections, why the heck would you vote democrat?  These are not the people we want in charge of our national security.

Reason #2.  Terrorists want Democrats to win.  Why is it that during every election cycle, violence by terrorists in Iraq surges to record levels?  It's not because "we are losing the war in Iraq" as the media repeats ad nauseum.  It's because terrorists watch the news just like we do, and they know that the Democrats are against the war, and think we shouldn't be there, and think Bush is a bigger terrorist than all the rest.  So what do they do?  They blow things and people up so that Americans will feel defeated and then vote in Democrats to "bring the troops home."  Terrorists don't care about our troops.  They want them to go home so that they can take over in Iraq and then figure out how to come back over here.   So if you wouldn't vote terrorist in the upcoming elections, then why the heck would you vote democrat? 

See?  No need to listen to the media's blahblah.  My xanga site is all you really need :)

Free Public Restrooms in Every Corner of Philadelphia

(Conversation w/ Philadelphia parking lot attendant after driving too long in traffic + too much iced tea. Please insert your own foreign accent)

Him: Can I help you?

Me: I really need a restroom.  Are there any around, anywhere?

Him: You need to go, or just take a leak?

Me: Well, um, the second option would do the trick.

Him:  See the red Honda [points way across to the edge of the lot]?  Mens room is around past Honda.

Because the car was parked at a corner, I thought maybe some dilapidated mens room was "around." Let me tell you, the term "Men's Room" is loosely translated in other cultures.  In his, those two words literally meant "deep smelly hole in pavement." So that's where people go.  Right there.  And apparently a lot.  Yep - or shall I say, nope, for me.  Me on the front page of the Inquirer with the headline "Man Who Can't Hold It Gets Held in the Pokey" was too scary an option.  I'm not a criminal; I'm a capitalist.  So I supported my local dunkin donuts and in exchange for $.69 got a turn in a non-governmental restroom facility.

You see???  If the government can only provide a hole in the ground to pee in, what makes you think that they can take care of our health care any better? :)